Why Cupid is Failing the Great War

      It’s come to my attention recently that several ladies I am very close to are requesting my services to keep them informed on where Mr. Right could be. Sigh. I figured the best way to report my findings should be in speech format, since I give my input on the situation that seems to be “being on a soap box” as it were. So pay attention for I’m only saying it once.

To the Ladies throughout the world!

I am here to report that after much research and constant surveillance I have come to the proper solution to your problems on why you can’t attain the perfect man, a.k.a. “Mr. Right.”

It is quite simple. You, the individuals with your attitudes and unique biological design, have lost focus on what truly matters: YOURSELVES! Welcome to the 21^st century. The Dark Ages of reasoning and old-fashioned mantra should be cast aside immediately! Why must you wait on the man to approach you in any public outing, when you can take action on your own accord? Introduce yourself first! Beat him to the punch, flip the script, put him on watch. You mustn’t worry about his actions and motives. You have your own to worry about. Honestly. A woman that makes the first move has a better survival rate in the dating jungle than one who waits for his  own timing to act. Sometimes ladies, that will involve you to pitch a tent, pack a lunch, roll out a sleeping bag, and light a candle. You will be there for quite some time. The female who approaches first however will begin her dating conquest on her own terms and at her own personal schedule.

It’s been said in many books, articles, magazines, and so forth that women adore confidence from men. Ladies, we are the exact same way. Instead of being on these websites waiting and/or pleading for a proper suitor to come around; the public place in the end will always be the front lines to find a suitable mate. You may use those sites to find that person, but no matter what, you still have to get out and meet them publicly. So, I say skip the sites entirely and just stick to the old program that Mom and Dad used decades ago. When I say public places I am not talking about the local watering hole. I’m talking about the park where you walk your dog every morning before you head to work through the weekdays. I’m talking about the café down the road that makes your latte the way you prefer it with the foam not being too thick and the espresso being one and a half shots, not two. I’m talking about the gym that has the treadmill set to your own personal speed right next to the window with the oak casting shade of the bench underneath where the birds perch gazing upon you once in a while. These places are vital to getting your ass out and into the open. That’s half the battle though. The real war between the trenches is the ideal to retain a response from the person you are interested in.

Not that hard I say. Simple example: “My name is blah blah, what’s yours?” Yes, this seems to be the opening sequence a man does all the time. Women can do the same as well. Yes, I also know this isn’t very lady-like. Does it really matter what falls in the lines of lady-like or not if it ends in suitable results catered to your own desires? That’s my way of saying the door becomes open to having an open relationship with someone down the road. That’s what you want, correct? The end result of that first introduction to lead to a date(s) in the near future is what most women want, and what most men don’t mind doing.

While you continue the speaking, and texting, and e-mails, and social media conversations going; you remember this notion; good, honest, loyal, sincere men who are indeed single; like yourself, are involved in the same goofy, loopy scenario you are right freaking now! I mean it. There’s some Joe Shmo eyeing a brunette at his gym wondering how he should speak to her. He’s probably rehearsed the speech and introduction several times in front of his mirror at home. He’s probably got to know her schedule down to a mathematical formula that even Einstein would shake his head and say (use fake German accent) “vy haven’t I seen dat bevore.”  He’s probably figured how many miles she runs on that same treadmill every day and broken the hours between that day to wonder how he would ever keep up with her in a marathon. You see? Men do the research on their potential mate just like we would do on a research paper in college. Why aren’t you doing the same? When someone hunts a particular target, they must familiarize themselves with that target. In the olden days you’d do that on the first date. Well, you should give this new notion a try. Please don’t use Google you cheater! Just stay attentive to the local area you go to, and you’ll pick up some way to talk of something that will interest him and you. Bingo! The ice breaker of the introduction has been excavated, examined, and now will be presented without the subject even noticing it. By then, you should be “in like flint.” If not, congratulations. You have now determined he has no interest in you whatsoever. That will save you from grief and future consumption of ice cream because he left you for the BBD, the Bigger Better Deal.

Dating is all on you. I can’t control that part of this for you have to cater to the person you’re dating. I’m saying not all guys are the same. But this is where it gets interesting, and I need to make this clear as day. Please do not make comparisons of past relationships to the current one. Why? It’s instant downfall. It’s like getting his name tattooed on you. You know it’s not going to last, gonna be a pain to get rid of, or worse, “inked” over. Don’t do it. Treat every man you date as an open canvas. Make the outline, fill in the color, fine tune the details, and then step back to weigh if the painting is worth keeping or selling on Ebay. Dating is trial-and-error. You will get your heart broken, no doubt in my mind. The idea is to find the one that doesn’t break it AT ALL. Period. No questions asked. If at any moment his standards don’t meet to your par at day one; hit the eject button immediately. Save the tears for someone who cared for you, not someone who didn’t. The ones who fight to keep you after he made a mistake; those are ones you handle with kid gloves. You give him one more shot. Nothing more.

Now what’s the proper protocol for a perfect man? I have no clue. Male and female are never the same. So it’s on what you want. Remember though; if it fails DELETE his number, his profile, his clothes, his everything from you. Do not go backwards to ex’s. The military created the X program on their planes for they were creating the one that flew right to their specifications. “Bob, the X-2 failed to clear the flight deck. Well then Tim, scrap the engines on the X-2, fix the problem, and call her the X-3.” See, this is where EX came from. X meaning experimental. That’s why they’re ex’s, for they were the experimentation process to finally nabbing the man of your dreams…your future husband.

There’s more information out there to be researched ladies. Just have to know where to look. If this blog heightened your interest, then screw it. I’ll write a book. Yep. I’ll do it. There’s so many books from women on dating, but barely any on men. Well, I mean men in THIS century where stuff has changed entirely. So let me know. Hope you enjoyed this little speech. Hopefully it gets heard…so I can retire as most friend’s “relationship doctor.” I should’ve charged years ago. I could’ve owned a Ferrari by now!

Even an old dog can learn quantum theories

           To my readers, my apologies about the title. I’ve always been fascinated with the word “quantum” and wanted to use it somewhere. Since I’ve been watching “The Big Bang Theory” a lot these days, I figured the old saying “even an old dog can learn a new trick” needed a more updated lingo to it…and thus…being replaced with quantum theories. Yes, there is some relevance of the title to this blog, I assure you. Keep reading.

            I just taught myself how to screen capture something on my pc like I can do on my iPod. I never knew you could do that on a computer. Yah see, I’m old. Go figure. One of my favorite sayings I use a lot is one I heard watching the movie “Live Free or Die Hard.” Timothy Olyphant’s character, a techno terrorist, speaks to Bruce Willis’s character John McClane that McClane’s “a Timex watch in a digital age.” That saying is me to the letter. Of course I’ve caught up with the times finally by purchasing an HP lap top last year that has Windows 7 and a fingerprint scanner (so damn cool); compared to my old Toshiba one that held Windows XP and the original Minesweeper game on it. This new computer has a ridiculous AMD Vision 6 processor pushing gigahertz out the ying yang with a quad core at its base foundation. I can even watch how much it “pushes” with the little gadgets on my home screen. It’s awesome! Yes, I’m sounding like a geek/nerd…so sue me.

            See, to me, technology is a gift and a curse. I love computers, cell phones, video game platforms, and so on. Of course I do. I was raised with the help of my parents when I was a young guy, but when both parents wanted to work, my younger brother and I became “latchkey kids.” For those of you who have no clue what that term means, let me explain it. Latchkey kids were the children who came home from school, practice, the park, wherever and stayed at home alone until their parents returned from any work-related or pleasure-related activity he/she was doing. So when my parents weren’t around, we locked down the house and let Nickelodeon, the WB, Mtv, and Nintendo keep us secure. So the television, computer, and N64 became our technological parents for a few hours. 90s kids were the forefront for texting, Twitter, Facebook, the 360, and wireless internet. And thus, why I don’t mind technology. BUT…when that technology interferes with social interaction and education; well then it becomes a curse.

            How so? Look at texting. I had the luxury of being in a relationship with a female wwaaayyy younger than me many moons ago. You know how she wanted to communicate with me? Try through Myspace and text messaging. The thing is…it hasn’t changed. IT’S STILL LIKE THAT! I know many women and men who think texting is a form of communication. Texting is a dead language folks. Emoticons and LOLs do not present the true emotion of what you are speaking about. It is so annoying when you call someone and talk with them for several minutes then when you hang up they’ll text for hours after. Yes, texting is unlimited by now…but if you wanna talk about class assignments just call and set up a meet. It’s much easier talking about the battle plans of a certain general on paper than putting it in a damn 6 x 4 inch touch screen. I blame the CrackBerry for that example.

            Here’s another. I tutor a young man named Houston. He goes to Phillipsburg High School. Go ahead Easton locals, say boo now. Anyways, the young man is smart. He’s ahead of the curve for a 17 year old in high school. Already, he has his own style and bravado dressing like a lead singer for a punk band. No, not the new age punk. I’m talking about the GOOD age original punk. Like rocking his Rancid t-shirt, leather black jacket, wallet with the belt chain…the kid is a rebel. He gets science and history. He even understands English. But get this. Remember when you were in grade school and you had to map out all the words of a sentence. You know, like adverbs, prepositional phrases, adjectives, pronouns, articles, and so on. Remember that? According to Houston, his classmates NEVER learned it. I’m serious. Not a clue. So when he needed help on his paper and I was pointing out things that were grammatically impossible to understand (and with my southern education I’m the expert on this….please), he gave me the turned head Stewie Griffin look the whole time, wide eyed and all. Are you kidding me!? Another thing they don’t do that these teachers assume the student will learn on their own; basic mathematical tables. Like multiplication tables, squares, and cubes of numbers…even division. I know, absolutely crazy! They can’t read analog watches…with the hands! I’m not making this up. Oh and Houston needs his calculator for everything. I have to snatch it from him and put paper in front of him and say “on paper sport, show your work.” It’s insane. Sometimes I want to take that damn Ti-whatever and chunk right out of the Panera Bread window where we meet.

            Houston believes that teachers and the education system are slacking in some departments due to the pull back of funds for the entire educational program. They have to work with what they got. He told me that some teachers just don’t care anymore. They let the internet educate them on their own time. *Waving my hands, flapping my wings over here* Hey, secondary education majors and future educators, PLEASE don’t be like that. Don’t let technology let you slack. These young adults are our future. If they don’t understand sentence structure, please don’t assume they can get it from the internet. The internet is a HUGE distraction to many people. I should know. 10 page paper due…eh, let me see what’s going on on Facebook. Several hours later: F^%$!!! It’s the same for grade school kids as well.

See, technology can be helpful if you need to go on Youtube to figure out the best and cheapest way to fix something like the Red Ring of Death on an Xbox 360 when you don’t wanna fork over 100 samolians to Microsoft to get it fixed; or it can be a curse with all its distractions and annoying pop-ups saying “buy me, buy me” or Facebook messenger blowing up asking “how sick was that party last night?” Cell phones are awesome if you need to find out what time the dinner is that night without alerting your boss or getting on the phone; or it can be a hindrance when you’re actually texting during a movie you spent an arm and a leg for just to see “The Avengers” with your $5 popcorn that’s the size of a kid’s lunchbox. I understand how you feel. I saw my cousin flip out and go mental when she lost her iPhone at the bar and couldn’t get it replaced for 5 days. Folks need their phones. I get that. BUT…do you really need it? If it’s a work phone or an emergency for your kids; of course, why not.  But for EVERYTHING…come on.

Go unplugged for a full 24hour day. See if you can survive. Technology is like smoking, it’s a habit you find yourself doing even when you don’t want to. Quitting on it is the same way. Can’t beat it cold turkey. Instead, you have to wean or cut-back on it day by day. Try it. See if you can pull it off.

In closing, remember the sh!t you learned on paper when you were young. It looks like in 10 years, paper won’t even exist. Everything will be e-book this or e-note that…blah blah blah. F^cking tablets. Just saying. Keep with the times and be upgradeable, but also fight to be an antique with beta programming. Our grandparents turned out fine being old-school. Why change that? If it ain’t broke…why fix it? I say keep it old school, learn new school, and pity the fool! Then again, that’s just me…”a Timex watch in a digital age.” True, but hey…at least I can read the hands of time.

Disclaimer:

You’re probably asking yourself the same question that I’m asking myself right now. That is, why a blog? To be honest, I don’t have a concrete answer for yah. I truly honest to God don’t, for there are actually several different little answers to the big one. For one, I just want to do one. I like to write. I really do. I don’t know if anyone will read it, but what do I have to lose. I might enjoy the idea of writing stuff down that runs through my head no matter what the thought is. Some of it may be random, for I can be a very random kind of guy. Others may be insightful, because I do have my moments (as crazy as that may sound). Then there may be some that just put my insight from the sensitive to the machismo and maybe even more. So, like I said, what do I have to lose?

Second, I’m doing it because I figure if I continue to write I can keep that academic, college self still around. I’ve been in college for years now. I beat Chris Farley’s record in the movie “Tommy Boy” for crying out loud. Although, I must say, it was not Herbie Hancock that was one of the signers for the Declaration of Independence. Thanks history degree. I understand the value of a creative mind, and add some college education behind it; I don’t want to lose that. I don’t mind working a blue-collar job that turns me into a mindless drone to do simple tasks and make a decent living. I’m down for it, but I don’t want to lose the essence of me that I learned at college. I do have a southern mind, but I also have a northern education. I don’t want to lose that, so I’m doing this to keep my mind attuned to my writing ability. Hope it works. I’ll let you know after I’m done with my last two classes.

Third, this is my thoughts being put down in an archive for anyone to see. That’s awesome! So if I get older, my grandchild can read me or to himself my life stories, issues, and thinking processes. Sounds like a great way to stay young. Then again, it’s also a fantastic way for if I die young before I can be a father or a husband; this can be my legacy to my family. I’m an introvert personality with extrovert visualization. HUH? What I mean is I really don’t truly voice my inside thoughts or persona. I tend to let my emotions get seen when I’m angry, annoyed, happy, etc. You know, “wearing your emotions like a badge on your sleeve?” The real result is never truly heard. I’m always there to help anyone in need, but when I need help I tend to brush it off. This can be my way to set the record straight on who I was if anyone wants to say otherwise.

Finally, this is me being me. I hope that somehow in some way what I write helps educate the people of the future. I can’t teach. That involves patience I don’t have. Kids these days have no respect for their elders and where they are and where they came from. It sickens me. I miss the REAL Mtv, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon in all its glory, and TMNT. This is my way of educating the youth of what to do and what not to do. Do as I say, not as I do. Besides, for those who can’t learn, teach. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

SO…if you don’t mind some southern slang written within an academic style of writing (what I’ve always wanted to do in college) with a taste for youthful exuberance mixed with some gratuitous sex and violence along with crude humor and some cursing here and there; this is your blog. Hopefully I can be creative, funny, insightful, and knowledgeable with my writings and stay within the correct realm of grammar. I doubt it, but fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke. 

Hope you enjoy, and as always…Roll Tide Roll (RTR shorthand) and AEKDB.